Vanita asks:
I am a 24 year old working woman. My problem is that I am
far too kind! I am always trying to help the needy. All my colleagues, of both
sexes, bring their problems to me and I help them as much as I can. I enjoy
this.
Occasionally, I get the impression that people do not
appreciate my help and that they do not really care about me. Then I feel bad
and also angry. But then, in a few days, I go back to my old ways.
Is something wrong with me? Please advise.
 |
| Do not go out of your way to help people, especially the unappreciative and exploitative kinds. Learn to have boundaries. |
Response:
Ask yourself why you are helpful
The answer to your question lies in why you are friendly and
helpful. If it is just that you enjoy helping people and that you are, as you
say, a kind person, it is very good. The world has very few people of this sort
and your friends are lucky.
But your anger and resentment seem to indicate that the matter
is not as simple as that. Your behaviour could mean that you suffer from a
sense of inferiority and that you are trying to win the affection, appreciation
and regard of people by being kind and helpful. Trying to be validated in this
manner is not healthy.
Don’t help people who do not appreciate you or take advantage of you.
It is strange but true that, in this world, things got free
are not appreciated much. And this goes also for people who go out of their way
to be helpful. It is fine to be helpful and kind to very good friends who
understand and appreciate you, but being kind to all and sundry only makes
people think that you don't have anything better to do. They then tend to
take advantage of you.
Being helpful is good and you should not change this good
quality that you have. But avoid being
over-kind to unappreciative people who take advantage of you and then ignore
you when they have nothing more to gain from you. Learn to value your own schedule and plans and
don’t go out of your way to help others. If you feel unhappy and resentful while
helping people, don’t do it. Also don’t help people because it makes you feel
or look like a “good” person. It’s as
simple as that!
Get busy and develop better self-esteem
Develop a constructive hobby. Read and spend time in improving your
qualifications and skills. This will keep you busy and prevent unnecessary
brooding. (Also read Spice up your boring life.) Of course, this does not mean
that you should become selfish and self-centered. You can be kind and nice and have boundaries. Learn to value
yourself and do not try to please others
by helping them. Learn to hold your own and develop better self-esteem. Also read Test your level of self-esteem.
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